When Parents Fail

Posted November 11, 2009

I have two beautiful young daughters, 6 and 8. Unfortunately my time with them is not as abundant as I would like. I am the non-custodial parent of a divorce. In Texas this refers specifically to where they stay most of the time. They live with their mother and visit my wife and I a couple of days a week and every other weekend.

Most of the time this logistically works well. Even though I wish I had more time, we all enjoy this time together immensely. Sometimes, however, things get in the way. Usually work is the culprit. I either will not be home in time to pick them up or I’ll be late enough that a visit would be more disruptive than enjoyable. I regret when this happens but my daughters have never made me feel bad for it. They understand, I think, and while they might be disappointed, they seem perfectly happy to take a rain check with dear ol’ dad. I do want to make sure that my girls understand the reasons, though.

After giving this considerable thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that memories seem to be most recallable when they are similar in mood to the overall feel of that particular era. In other words, if there was a period in your life that was particularly bad for you – you’ll most likely remember bad details and memories. This discounts, of course, the monumental or otherwise wildly uncharacteristic memories, such as a lottery winning after filing for bankruptcy or getting hit by a car the day after finishing your seminary studies. The gist of the period masks the opposing mood of comparable intensity.

Based on that, I am pretty certain that my daughters recollection will not be that of the few times I could not see them. They will remember the far more frequent and enjoyable visits together. I am comforted by that even though I still miss them.

This applies to plenty of other circumstances including those of parents who are together. This isn’t an isolated phenomenon. Even adults experience this. For instance, during my service in the United States Marine Corp, there were plenty of unpleasant experiences but today my strongest memories remain those of pride and camaraderie.

We need to make our lives, and theirs, more about the overall journey and less about the mistakes.